Starting Over

Hello bloggy world. I have missed you. To put it simply, I just haven't known what to say, or how to say it. But now I am back, I have a lot on my mind and with any luck, you and I can start a new, stronger relationship. So nice to be near you again.

So this is my current big dilemma. School. I have been taking classes online for about a year now, with a break somewhere in there when I was transferring schools. At this point, there are a lot of things causing my problem here. Mostly internal. Firstly, I am more than likely going to fail my education class. I'm going to school for elementary education, it's all I have ever wanted to go to school for. And I love finally taking classes that apply to my major. Problem is, I'm not really interested in the class. I'm not even sure if I'm interested in my major. All my life I wanted to be a teacher but now I'm just not sure of it anymore. And when you don't know if what you're doing even applies to your future, it's hard to stay focused. My heart isn't in it right now. And that raises a whole new set of questions.

The only thing I see clearly right now is being with my amazing husband for the rest of my life, and having a family with him someday. Ideally, I see myself in big dining room, with a huge table, dogs running around the floor, two little kids at the table, construction paper, childproof scissors, paste and glitter strung about the room. I want to take my kids to the park in the fall, all in our cozy little sweaters, and come home and make a stew for my husband when he comes home from a long day on the ship. I want to have bath and story time, tuck my kids in, and curl up in front of the TV with Hubbs. I want that to be my every day, because I just can't think of it getting any better than that.

But what if one day that's not what I want anymore. What if I want to drop my kids off at daycare, head to school, teach math and language arts, watch recess and then come home to my own little angels, cook up a quick dinner, put the kids to bed and go to sleep. What if I HAVE to work, because we just can't hack it being a one income family anymore? What if that happens and minimum wage won't do, and I have no degree to fall back on. Life is full of what if's, isn't it? How do you decide which ones are important?

I don't know what to do right now. So after a lot of thinking and a chat with my amazing friend Emily, I think that I at least need to take a break. Be it a few weeks, a few months, or until my husband comes home, I need to step away from the situation. I need to make decisions without deadlines. I need to make choices for myself and my family, not so much for what is expected or what might need to happen for one reason or another. Has anyone else dealt with the hanging question of whether or not to continue your education? Why did you choose what you did? Do you think you made the right choice?