Dear Deployment, I hate you already.

Just a quick little blog, because times like this are when I need my blog the most.

Deployment is rapidly approaching. I've given it a few fleeting thoughts- who doesn't? And I've roughly counted down the days. I have been well aware of when our "last weekend" would occur, or the "last time I'll go grocery shopping for two" is. The difference between before and now is that suddenly those days are my life-blood. I've heard it from some woment before, that you're fine fine fine, and then one day, just before it happens, it hits you like a ton of bricks. Thank you, ton of bricks, for clobbering me tonight.

Of course I can see myself here, functioning normally. After all, he has been gone Monday-Friday for the last five months, and I've become accustomed to waiting for an email to pop up. I can see myself when my parents come to visit, showing them around San Diego and having a ball, even though he's not going to be here. I can see myself going to dinner with friends, taking care of the dogs, going on day trips to places I've never seen. Going to the gym.

But I guess tonight what keeps hitting me is the things that I can't see myself doing when he leaves. Like wrestling with him on the couch. Waiting for him to fall asleep to switch the TV from wrestling to The Nanny. Making mashed potatos and corn with practically every meal. Or just knowing that he's in bed next to me.

I know it's going to be okay. I know if I stay busy, time will fly. I know that thousands, maybe millions of women deal with this every day. But it comes down to the fact that this sucks, regardless of all that. When you live with a man, when you share every night with him and let him in on every moment that happens in your life, and then suddenly, there's going to be this gap where the person holding your heart is in a place he can't even tell you he is in, it's not gonna be easy.

Hopefully, it's not going to be this hard for that long.